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The Refined Collective Podcast

Jul 31, 2019


Before we dive in to this recap, I just want to first say that this will not be a podcast episode of me judging everyone on The Bachelorette. Unless we have been on reality television before, we don’t know how we would handle these situations so we should always be looking at them with grace. I am not here to make anyone wrong or right. These are just my thoughts and responses to the tons of questions you guys sent in about The Bachelorette. You guys had a lot of questions about Hannah’s conversations with Luke P. specifically surrounding sex and her faith.

The Fantasy Suite Conversation 

  • Is it fair to talk about your thoughts on sex with the person you’re dating? Absolutely! You should always make this clear early on.
  • The problem with holding onto initial attraction
  • First decide what you believe + what is a non-negotiable to you—it’s much harder to do that in the moment.
    • For example my non-negotiables: man of God, loves Jesus, abstaining from pre-marital sex.
    • If you’re thinking of proposing to someone in less than a week + they’ve slept with multiple people at that same time—that would be a deal breaker for me. That’s not judgmental or slut shaming—it’s just connecting to what you want + what is a non-negotiable for you.
    • Assume nothing! Just because they share your worldview and/or faith doesn’t mean they view things exactly how you do. (Luke made assumptions about her.)
  • Communicate early + often
    • A lot of drama can be avoided when we commit to communicating where we’re at + why with humility + grace.  
  • Create a healthy pace for physical intimacy (this one is HARD for me).
    • Physical intimacy too soon creates a false sense of intimacy—they had this initial spark + their physical chemistry was so intense.  It blurs your vision to discern outside of the physical.

Bottom Line

  • Both of them could’ve handled that conversation WAY better.
    • Luke often displayed arrogance + needed to have the last word + be right.
  • If the tables were turned + there was a guy on the bachelor bragging + showcasing who he slept with + how many times—he would’ve been viewed as a pig—but now she’s an empowered woman—it’s inconsistent + is taking the low road. Always take the high road—whether you’re right or wrong.
  • Sex Is Not A Pre-Qualifier For A Relationship With Jesus
    • What I do/not do with my body doesn’t keep us in or out of heaven with Jesus.
    • It is by grace ALONE you have been saved through faith.
  • The Bible Teaches Pre-Marital Sex Is A Sin
    • As a Christ follower, I’m committing to submit myself to His teachings + ways.
    • He’s not afraid of sex, sexuality, desire, pleasure—He created it that way.
    • I am limited in my knowledge — is it possible that God knows more than me? Yes!
    • Saying no to something good + beautiful in the moment for a greater goal takes courage + humility + vision + support.
  • Sexual Sin Vs Other Sins
    • Talking about sin is triggering right?  We don’t like talking about when we blow it. It’s not fun. Often times we already feel like crap about it + calling it a sin feels condescending—I get that.  But what if we reframe what sin is: sins are the choices I make that separate me from God.  
    • I make choices that create distance between me + God every single day.
    • Sexual sin is no worse than being prideful. We’re all on equal playing field here.
  • Since There’s Grace Should We Just Do Whatever We Want? 
    • By no means—I think this differentiates religion from a relationship with God.
    • Religion is rule based:  If I do this, God does this.  
    • A relationship is different—#1 metaphor God uses to describe his relationship with humanity is that of a husband + wife.  
      • It’s so easy to take advantage of the unconditional love from our loved ones when we know they’re not going anywhere. It’s a constant process to show our love and kindness to others.

On top of all of this, I talk on this episode about my thoughts on believers dating non-believers, if I think the dating on The Bachelorette honors God, and who I think the next bachelor will be! PLUS would I ever go on the show? And how would I handle the fantasy suite?! Be sure to head over to our Instagram @therefinedcollective to share your thoughts about this episode on our post!

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to to check it out! With you on the journey.