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The Refined Collective Podcast

Dec 2, 2020

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!


Welcome back to the That’s What He Said series, where I ask men all the questions you’re DYING to know. Last week, Tim Timberlake shared some practical tips for single women to prepare for marriage, because marriage is sacrifice, y’all— are you setting yourself up for success in singleness? Listen to that episode here if you missed it


This week, I’m wrapping up the That’s What He Said series that has carried us through this fall with a conversation I had with Church of the City in New York pastor Jon Tyson a few years ago. He is also the author of Beautiful Resistance and The Burden is Light, husband and father. This entire series has been all about asking men from all over the U.S. both married, single, dating, and everywhere in-between your top dating and relationship questions.


But we can’t talk about dating without talking about sex, desire, and sexuality. And we can’t talk about any of those things without talking about God--the Creator of all of it (What better way to end the series right?).


The majority of church conversations around sex are about do’s and don’ts rather than formation and theology, so Jon and I talk all about how to have a nuanced Biblical view of sex and desire.


Hook-up Culture + Porn

  • So many people are disillusioned with hookup culture and with porn. When it comes to the church, most people who attend are single and frustrated.
  • “People are wrestling profoundly with the sense of being left out, where they look at people in the world who seem to be doing whatever they want and having some level of fun.”


How Did We Get Here?

  • One thing that has transformed everything in the sexual culture we live in is technology.
  • Porn is available to everyone, giving the option to get sexual satisfaction without human connection. But human connection is crucial to the sexual experience.
  • What has the church’s response to this been? Moral standards and will power will give you holiness. But this approach does not work.


Sexual Formation

  • When it comes to spiritual formation, we’re always asking ourselves: “Who am I becoming by what I am doing?”
  • Apply this same concept to your sexuality. “It’s staggering how much harm and how much blessing can come from sexuality.”
  • Jon asks why we as a society date people we know we don’t actually like. Is it because we lack a vision for our love life?


The 4 Points of Christian Sexuality

  1. Sex points beyond itself.
  2. Holistic integration.
  3. Self-control strengthens our vision.
  4. It’s a witness to the world.


Further Reading




We’ve been diving into some pretty big conversations around dating and what it’s like being single in today’s culture. Maybe you feel uncomfortable connecting with me on IG in a public way, so I created a private Facebook community for single ladies. (P.S. I’m always giving dating advice over there!) Head over to to join this community of women lifting each other up!


You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!