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The Refined Collective Podcast

Feb 19, 2020


Hi, friends! We’re having the sex talk on the podcast today!! Are you waiting for marriage to have sex? Not sure when to bring it up in dating? Or how? We’re going to chat about that today, because I watched The Bachelor on Monday and have quite a few thoughts on this! Peter is the Bachelor and it’s causing quite the commotion with Madison. We’re one week away from engagement and they still haven’t had ‘the talk.’


Why I was afraid to tell guys I wasn’t having sex until marriage:

  1. Fear of rejection
  2. I assumed if you were a Christian, you weren’t having sex—I also thought everyone wore purity rings too.
  3. I was shut down to my sexuality + desire—if I can’t accept my own sexuality, how can I accept another, and how can I enter into an adult consensual relationship if I’m unwilling to talk about this stuff?
  4. I didn’t know my why so I was afraid of bringing it up because I couldn’t really explain why except that’s what Christians do.


3 things to think before you have ‘the talk’

  1. Know your why
    1. The difference between: I’m not a smoker + I’m trying to quit.
    2. Your decision has to be internally motivated
      1. What does sex mean to me?
      2. What is god’s heart for intimacy + sex?
      3. What is my heart for intimacy + sex?
      4. Why or why not is this a value for me?


  1. Assume nothing

Just because they share your faith does not mean you have the same physical boundaries.

No kissing until marriage to everything but penetration—including anal—to some people who love Jesus + choose to have pre-marital sex.


  1. Zero shame

Rejection is protection!!

It may make my dating pool smaller, but it makes it stronger.


WHEN: By date 3…although NYC dating culture moves quickly…so it’s not odd if I bring it up on the 1st date.


3 Reasons to Have the Sex Talk Early on

  1. Set yourself up for success

If you’re not having sex before marriage — this may help set-up physical boundaries in dating.

What didn’t work for me…getting naked on the first date.


  1. Be kind

If I’m getting what I want—but if he thinks this is leading elsewhere it’s in a sense being dishonest.


  1. Create a culture of honesty + communication

The only way a relationship can last + build trust is through communication.

As a couple you get to decide what boundaries will work for you—It’s an ongoing conversation.

A boundary might have worked in the past, but things may shift.


I HAVE AN EASY OUT: I talk about this stuff professionally.

However, the more I’ve shared, the easier it’s become. it’s a non-issue for me.


Here is what I say:

“Hey, I just want to be upfront. I don’t have sex until marriage + that’s not like a cute thing I say…I really mean it. So I just wanted to throw that out there + see where you’re at + what you think!”




Dr. Celeste Holbrook

The Bible: Flee from Sexual Immorality

Kat’s ‘Why’

Kat’s conversation on God is Grey


Struggling with online dating? Kait Warman of The Heart of Dating and I are hosting a live online workshop just for you on February 25, 2020. Grab your ticket here!


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