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The Refined Collective Podcast

Aug 19, 2020

I am so grateful to The Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!


I never thought I’d be talking about things like sexual desire and masturbation, but the masturbation series broke records for downloads. So many of you reached out saying it was what you had been needing to hear. So here I am, back to talk about sexual desire. My heart today is to unpack for you a biblical vision surrounding sexuality and desire and for you to walk away with clarity and practical tools to walk out your sexual desire well in whatever season you may be in.


"You can't talk about sexuality without talking about how we were made. And that will inevitably lead you to who made us. At some point you have to talk about God. Sex. God. They're connected. And they can't be separated. Where the one is, you will always find the other.” Rob Bell, Sex God


God is NOT Afraid of Your Sexual Desire

  • The rhythm and repetition of the Creation account is filled with erotic language. “The climax of creation is the creation of humanity.”
  • Song of Solomon: Hebrew boys weren’t allowed to read it because it was so erotic.
  • Anyone that says this is just a metaphor for Jesus and the church is dismissing the layered and blatant text.
  • Psalms: And again, “I thirst for you, my whole being longs for youyour love is better than life…on my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night…I cling to you (Ps.63:1-8 emphasis mine). 
  • When was the last time you cried out to God with such visceral language because your longing for Him was so strong?


“God is not shy or embarrassed or afraid of desire or erotic language.”


What is Sexual Desire?

Spirituality can be described as a vast longing that drives us beyond ourselves in an attempt to connect with, to probe and to understand our world. And beyond that, it is the inner compulsion to connect with the Eternal Other, which is God. Essentially, it is a longing to know and be known by God (on physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual levels). This is why we are called to worship God with all that we are—body, mind and soul (Deuteronomy 6:4-9; Mark 12:29-31)…


Sexuality can be described as the deep desire and longing that drives us beyond ourselves in an attempt to connect with, to understand, that which is other than ourselves. Essentially, it is a longing to know and be known by other people (on physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual levels). It thus forms part of what it means to ‘love others as we love ourselves’ (Mark 12:29-31)…Our deepest longings as human beings are to be in relationship with God and our neighbor—this really and simply is the human condition…


Debra Hirsch, Redeeming Sex, page 16 (parantheses quote from Alan and Debra Hirsch, Untamed


Sexual Desire vs. Desire for Sex 

  • Sexual desire is the desire to connect outside of ourselves with others—this includes a natural desire for sex—but to say that our sexual desire is the same as our desire for sex is to take a multi-faceted 3-D experience and flatten it into 1-D stick figure.
  • Sexual desire is way more expansive than just bodies touching and fluids exchanging. 
  • God didn’t say humanity is good…but your sexual desire is only good in marriage—he just said it’s very good.
  • There has to be a way to embrace sexuality outside of marriage + outside of sex in a way that’s honoring. This is really good news! Especially for those of us who are single!
  • Having sexual desire is one of the most common human experiences—in fact, if you didn’t have desire—that’s a whole other conversation. Ultimately our sexual desire is a shadow of our desire for God.


Is My Sexual Desire Sinful?

God put the penis on the man, and he put the testicles on the man, and he filled those testicles with sperm. He created all tissue—some that would expand, some that would secrete; he filled the man with testosterone to walk through all creation and name the animals, to exercise God-given authority. When Adam was done with that, before sin entered the world, God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him’.


I want to say it again: God’s the one who created and wire this whole thing. In Genesis 2, sin hadn’t even entered the world yet, and God said it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone. So he knocked him out, pulled out a rib, and shaped the woman. And as he shaped the woman differently, he gave her larger breasts, rounder hips, and a vagina. He filled the woman with a different hormone, estrogen. The woman’s body was not the Devil’s idea; it was all God’s doing.”

Matt Chandler, The Mingling of the Soulspage 13


Genesis 1 teaches us that GOD CREATED HUMANS AS HOLISTIC BEINGS. Our sexuality and desires are not a surprise to God; it’s not shameful or taboo: He created it and then called it good. Something about it reflects an aspect of who He is.


“God doesn’t make bad or gross or shameful things. All of who you are reflects the Genesis 1 God image in you.”




Thank you so much to this week’s sponsors of The Refined Collective Podcast!!


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I am so grateful for my friend Stephanie May Wilson and he her heart to create content to help me walk into a place of God’s presence with trust. She has a new journal called The Between Places: 100 Days to Trusting God When You Don’t Know What’s Next. It’s a prayer journal for seasons of waiting, uncertainty, transitions, and making big decisions. You can pick up your journal at and use code REFINED for 15% off!