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The Refined Collective Podcast

May 27, 2020

I have the privilege of chatting with Debra Fileta of this week! She is a licensed professional counselor who specializes in dating, marriage, and relationship issues, as well as mental health disorders. She’s also the author of True Love DatesChoosing Marriage, and Love in Every Season! We chat about everything from the dating mistakes that are holding you back to why it’s okay for a woman to initiate a relationship.


“You’re not born knowing how to engage in healthy relationships; it’s something you have to work on and train and educate and grow.”


6 Reasons it’s Okay for a Woman to Initiate a Relationship

  1. Cultural Context.
  2. Mutually beneficial + reciprocal relationships are biblical.
  3. Healthy relationships are give and take.
  4. Pursuit is a human desire.
  5. Only responding to a person is not a two-way relationship.
  6. “Relationships are living, breathing things.”


“The problem is, when we go into relationships with that mentality that a woman shouldn’t initiate, you end up creating a culture of passive women.”


Soul Mates

  • Debra shares where the idea of soul mates really came from.
  • You are not half of a person until you meet someone.
  • Soul mates creates codependency.


“When we’re only responding, we’re not actually aware of what we want and need.”


Top 2 Dating Mistakes We’re All Making

  1. Not taking the risk to start a relationship. The #1 thing holding you back in singleness: FEAR
  • Fear of failure.
  • Fear of rejection.
  1. Desperate people make desperate decisions
  • When you feel desperate, don’t go on a dating spree. Look in.
  • Humans are magnetic.


2 Things Debra Would Tell Her Younger Self

  1. Work on your ish: Your past impacts your present if you don’t deal with it. Go to counseling. Do the work now— even if you’re single. Get whole.
  2. Save for a king-sized bed!!




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Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to to check it out!