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The Refined Collective Podcast

Aug 28, 2019

Bianca Olthoff is a pastor, Bible teacher, speaker, author, and a million other things. She and her husband began planning churches this past year and their love story is incredible. She also just released a book where she shows us how to confront the hard truths of life. Our interview was cut short because of technical problems, but we had such an incredible chat about divorce, sugar daddies, the expectations we put on ourselves, and the mentalities that hold us back.

The Heart Behind Her Book

  • Bianca’s third book, How To Have Your Life Not Suck, is a sort of manual for her 25-year-old self that was facing life’s challenges.
  • “If you are not dead, God ain’t done, sister.”
  • She looks back on these lessons and sees how they apply to her life even today.
  • “It’s your story, it’s your pain, it’s your loss, it’s your tragedy, it’s your trauma, it’s your success, it’s your wins, and no one can take that from you.”
  • We love the up and down journeys of characters in films, but when we experience the downs in life, we want none of it. But we need it to become who we are.
  • “We want the progress without the process and it doesn’t work like that.”

Confronting Expectations

  • When Bianca turned 25, she looked back at the goals she set for herself several years earlier and found she was not where she wanted to be.
  • “I’m willing to step into the hard, I’m willing to be responsible.”
  • The difference between girls and women is not a matter of age, it is a matter of choice. Choosing to step into the hard work makes you an adult.
  • “There is beauty in the work.”

On Wanting Sugar Daddies

  • “We can wait around hoping, wishing, praying that Prince Charming will come and rescue us but the truth is that if we are believers in Christ we’ve already been rescued.”
  • Bianca challenges us to prove to ourselves that we can take care of ourselves.
  • She warns us to not take it too far, though. “In our independence we can push people away.”
  • If we are open for relationships, are we making that known? Like lights on taxis, we need to indicate if we are open or shut down to the possibility.
  • “We want to complain about things that we actually have control over.”

Bianca’s Love Story

  • Bianca was in her late 20’s and waiting for God to bring a man to her doorstep.
  • She ultimately started an online dating profile on eHarmony, where she ended up meeting her current husband, who had previously been married and had two children.
  • She was confronted by the opinions of society, her family, her friends, and her church.
  • “We have an opportunity to play a part in someone’s redemption story. That is a gift. That is an honor. But let me say this: that is not easy.”
  • “When you choose that person, you’re choosing their entire life.”
  • Ruth was a widow, was barren, could no longer have kids, and went to work and caught the eye of an amazing man who loved her.
  • “The moment you walk in in this servitude of ‘I can’t believe you’ve seen me, woe is me,’ is the moment you forget who you are. Child of God, you are fearfully and wonderfully made.”
  • If you are in that mindset, it will take work and therapy to achieve a healthy mindset.
  • “There are beautiful things that grow out of really dry and barren places so don’t give up.”

Now I’m not divorced, but did this talk with Bianca make me cry? YUP. I am so grateful for Bianca, her friendship, her book, and her story. Her book just came out yesterday and you can buy it on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or any brick and mortar shop. You can get more info at or on social media at @biancaolthoff

If you like the podcast, I want to invite you to subscribe to the podcast and leave a rating and review. It helps us to get the episode out to more people and means the world to us! We’d love to hear your reactions to this specific episode and what topics you want to hear more of!

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to getting out on a date. Head over to to check it out! With you on the journey.


Kat Harris