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The Refined Collective Podcast

Oct 2, 2019


Hello, friends! Thanks so much for being here! Today, I’m talking to my dear friend Ashley Abercrombie who is a literal superwoman. She is a mother, wife, writer, speaker, and author of Rise of the Truth Teller. Ashley is so full of grace and our friendship has challenged me so much. In this episode, we chat about how you can live authentically without prematurely sharing your story, finding healing, and how you can handle confrontation and conflict.


Ashley’s Story

  • Growing up, people always came to her for advice, but she never felt comfortable taking off that mask to say that she needed help and advice too.
  • When she got to college, she began abusing drugs and alcohol, and later struggled with bulimia and was also sexually assaulted, which resulted in pregnancy and abortion.
  • “I’ll stick this somewhere where nobody will ever find it. I’ll put this somewhere where I’ll never have to deal with it and I’ll just keep it moving.”
  • She remembers crying out for God when she felt most out of control and shares what it felt like when she felt His presence and love.
  • “We’re created for wholeness; we’re not created for perfection. We can find wholeness in the midst of our brokenness.”


Sharing Your Story Publicly

  • It’s important to share your story, but it’s also important to protect your own healing first and foremost.
  • “In the context of safe and healthy relationships is where we need to be processing things.”
  • When we don’t have safe relationships to process with, we should be turning to therapists. Instead, the trend is to either keep it all in or share with the whole world.
  • “Sharing your story can be a way of masking.”
  • It’s vulnerable, but we need to learn to ask advice from our close community.


Questions To Ask Yourself Weekly

  • Do you like the person you are becoming?
  • Is your heart for God shrinking or growing?
  • Have you compromised on your financial integrity?
  • Have you compromised on your sexual integrity?
  • Are you giving your family your emotional scraps?


Accepting The Love You Think You Deserve

  • Ashley remembers a pastor saying, “Everyone does love their neighbor as they love themselves and that’s the problem.”
  • She shares that we need to set our sights on God because then it becomes easier for us to see ourselves and others in the light of who He is.
  • We can manage our expectations and still hold on to hope.
  • “There is no way for hope to survive when we’re lonely and isolated.” We need people to carry us through.


Speaking Your Truth and Fighting Well

  • Ashley shares how we can have these truthful conversations as well as navigate conflict.
  • She first asks for grace and frames her concern as a question to the other person.
  • We’ve been trained to think that conflict shouldn’t happen or that there’s a way to resolve it without actually dealing with the issue.
  • “We have this mental struggle to understand that conflict is very normal. It should be a daily part of our life.”
  • Most importantly: you can resolve it. Healthy relationships can be maintained even when those involved are in a conflict that takes longer to resolve.
  • A good way to approach these conversations is to start with “I” because it helps prevent us from coming from a place of blame.


Healing Your Past

  • “I had to recognize that this was going to be a process.”
  • She remembers sharing her story with a friend and feeling how just her presence there was helpful. She never tried to give her quick fixes—she was simply a presence.
  • “What does it look like for me to be honest in this space?”
  • She found places to serve, mentor, and journey with people.
  • She has found the courage to be honest on her journey. “When I’m tempted, I say so.”


Isn’t Ashley amazing? You can buy her book anywhere books are sold! Follow her on Instagram at @ashabercrombie and visit her website


If you are enjoying the podcast, I want to invite you to leave a rating and review on iTunes! We love hearing what your favorite episodes are and always welcome any general feedback! It also helps us be more visible in the iTunes world. If you want to leave a review but don’t know how, head over to @therefinedcollective on Instagram and find the “Review 101” under story highlights.


Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to to check it out! With you on the journey.