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The Refined Collective Podcast


Dec 16, 2020

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

 

2020 has changed… everything. On all levels. But what I want to focus on in this episode is how dating has changed. You may have found that dating this year has maybe been really frustrating for you or really life-changing and beautiful. Either way, it is teaching some lessons we can carry into 2021 and I’m here for it.

 

  1. Socially-distanced dating
  • Did you ever think you’d consider FaceTime dates with a complete stranger? Hinge and Bumble are actively telling their users to have video calls.
  • You can resist the change or you can embrace it.
  • Honesty hour: they haven’t worked all that well for me. BUT it CAN! I have a friend who met a guy pre-quarantine, had FaceTime dates then socially distanced dates, and now 8 months later THEY’RE MARRIED!
  • There’s an opportunity here to take things slow. You can get to know a person outside of the physical. 

 

  1. Are Politics a Deal Breaker?
  • It’s no secret that I’m not a fan of Trump. If you like and voted for Trump, hear me,  I do not hate you. In fact, I think it’s important we build bridges of connection. However, if I meet a man who thinks Trump is an incredible man of honor? Then our values are out of alignment and what is important to us does not match up. And that is important to me in a relationship.

 

  1. I can trust my gut
  • My whole life, I was taught not to trust myself. By family, by college athletic trainers, by the church, I was told I’m dramatic, I should ignore what my body is telling me, and my heart is deceitful. 
  • I’ve learned that I do have discernment. My body is good and my intuition speaks to me.
  • Ephesians 2:10 “poiema” // We are the poetry of God. God doesn’t make bad things.
  • How does this relate to dating? If there are no big red flags in dating, I think it’s smart to give a guy a chance for three dates. It takes time to get to know a person! BUT I do think it’s important to trust your gut. There’s a balance here: it doesn’t have to be “either or.” It can be a “both and.” Be gracious and open, but take yellow flags into consideration.

 

  1. Being Christian isn’t enough
  • Sharing faith still really matters to me, but now more than ever I recognize that it’s not the only thing that matters to me.
  • I had an experience long distance dating a guy early this year and multiple times I brought up racial reconciliation and it was clearly not something that mattered to him. I also learned that gay people make him uncomfortable. I couldn’t understand how he could love God and not advocate for Black people and support the LGBTQIA community.
  • The love of God isn’t dependent on whether or not you have heterosexual attraction.

 

  1. Growth Mindset
  • Confronted with an area of growth, what is your response? Is it defensiveness or humility?
  • Instead of, “You’re wrong, I’m right.” It should be “I haven’t thought of it that way, I’d love to learn more.”

 

  1. Show don’t tell
  • Have you ever been with a guy who says all the right things? All the things you wanted to hear? Really pay attention to that.
  • Someone can say the right things and not follow through, and really time will tell.
  • Listen to what a guy says, not what you want him to say. If he says “I’m not ready for a relationship,” you could think “Wow, he’s so vulnerable,” but really that’s a red flag.

 

  1. Humor is non-negotiable
  • I just about broke the internet with this IG post back in October. But I stand by this.
  • Life is HARD! And we don’t need to be with a stand-up comedian, but life is messy and I need a guy who is a friend that I can laugh with.
  • Physical attraction is important, but sex isn’t 24/7. Who do I want to be with when we’re going through the hard moments, the boring moments, the everyday moments?

 

  1. Drop the double standards
  • In that same IG post, I said you should be open to dating a guy who is shorter than you. And you all had a LOT of thoughts about it.
  • We are always so upset when a guy doesn’t want to date us based on looks, but we’re doing the same thing by saying we won’t date a short guy.
  • Be willing for love to look differently than you expected for yourself.
  • If we have a standard for a guy, let’s live by that same standard.

 

  1. Trust and surrender
  • I’m 35… I want to have kids yesterday. I’m ready to settle down. I thought this was my year for love.
  • I can do all the “right” things, be clear about my vision, be open to love, and be putting myself out there…. And life can happen.
  • What I’ve really learned was that I can trust and surrender because God has my best.

 

How has 2020 changed dating for you? I really want to hear! I love a good round number and need a 10th point;) So let me know on social media @therefinedwoman. Thank you for all the listens, downloads, messages, comments, and feedback this year. We are so grateful for this amazing community!

 

Resources

 

We’re told that we should pray for our future husbands— it makes sense, right? The problem is: nobody ever teaches us how. My friend Stephanie May Wilson created the Every Single Moment Prayer Journal to help with exactly that. It is 100 powerful guided prayers and prompts to help you savor the present and prepare for the future. Go to bit.ly/kat-singlemoment and use code KAT for 15% off your order.