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The Refined Collective Podcast


Dec 9, 2020

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

 

I have been looking forward to interviewing this guest ever since the Tik Tok algorithm graced me with his videos. I am obsessed. Shaun Galanos is a love coach and he is very matter of fact about the dating questions he receives. He answers questions with clarity and compassion. So together, we collected some of your top dating questions and answered them for you! From ghosting to cheating to finances, we cover some pretty massive questions.

 

 

“Why do men ghost? Especially if the man asked for my number and texted me.”

  • They don’t care
  • They don’t want to have an uncomfortable conversation with you
  • That’s all they know how to do
  • They want to ghost you before you ghost them
  • They want to hurt you/make you sad
  • They don’t want to hurt your feelings
  • They feel guilty

 

“How do I manage finances in relationships when we have different standards of spending habits?”

  • Values around money and debt are important— you should share those values.
  • The money conversation can be a turnoff or red flag for someone if you bring it up early on.

 

“How do you know if it’s the right person, just the wrong time?”

  • If what you’re really asking is:
    • “Am I making the right choice? Is there better?” Stop overthinking!
    • “I’ve been rejected, but should I just wait for them?” Move on! “If someone says no, take it as a no, believe them, and let the universe sort it out on the back end.”

 

“Can I build a relationship with someone I used to cheat with?”

  • You can do anything you want in life, but ask yourself “Is this good for me?”
  • There are so many ways to view a situation like this, some are fantasies and some are more riddled with problems.
  • If it’s something you really want to pursue, go to counseling with that person to work on how you can make this relationship better.

 

“Be honest, have you ever decided not to date a girl because of her ethnicity?”

  • Neither of us have not dated someone because of their ethnicity.
  • I share what I’ve noticed of my own behavior on dating apps when it comes to race and how I’ve been reflecting on that and learning what has influenced that behavior.

 

“How can I make the first move without being too forward/intimidating as a woman?”

  • “Just do it. Stop sitting on the sidelines hoping that he notices you and just do it.”
  • It’s time to move on from the whole “men are hunters and women are prey” analogy, because guess what? Hunters don’t woo their prey!
  • Ask yourself what’s holding you back— are you afraid of asking because you’re afraid of the answer?

 

“How do you date in 2020 when you really hate internet dating?”

  • Ask yourself: what did people do before online dating became a thing?
  • Don’t look down on the idea of being set-up!
  • Get used to saying hi to strangers.

 

“How can I get context when it’s basically over text due to distance?”

  • So I guess we’ve all just forgotten about phone calls, huh? Pick up the phone! You can get so much more context in a conversation when you hear their voice.
  • I know a lot of us feel safer over text, but it’s so incomplete.
  • Always make sure the big conversations are done over the phone or in person.

 

“I like masturbation, but I’m worried I’m not going to like sex when I get married.”

  • Focus on masturbation now and worry about sex later. If you understand your own pleasure, you are setting yourself up for some really positive experiences with your partner.
  • “Start talking about sex…so that it becomes a natural part of your relationship.”
  • The book Slow Sex by Diana Richardson explores the idea that you should focus on your own pleasure and ask for what you want.
  • ***None of this is possible without communication!****

 

“You will get more information when you ask for the thing that you want.”

 

Resources

 

I was tired of hearing male pastors preach about waiting until marriage for sex when they had gotten married in their early 20s and had no idea what it was really like to date in today’s culture! I wanted to hear from someone in my shoes— so I wrote a book! It’s called Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex and it’s coming out in April 2021! Head over to bit.ly/kat-sexless to pre-order now!

 

We’re told that we should pray for our future husbands— it makes sense, right? The problem is: nobody ever teaches us how. My friend Stephanie May Wilson created the Every Single Moment Prayer Journal to help with exactly that. It is 100 powerful guided prayers and prompts to help you savor the present and prepare for the future. Go to bit.ly/kat-singlemoment and use code KAT for 15% off your order.