Jun 24, 2020
Relationship coach and expert Amanda Blair Hopkins is on the
podcast this week for the second time ever! She is a previous guest
episode 36: How to Pursue Wholeness Before Pursuing a
Relationship. She is a relationship coach for Lacy
Be Magnetic (who is a TRC Podcast guest as well:
episode 46: How to be 100% in Your Worth.
It’s in the first few years of our lives that we learn how to
relate and attach to the people we love. We learn patterns and
behaviors that become so familiar to us they can be hard to
identify. There are multiple different “attachment” styles in
relationships. Do you know which one you are? Amanda unpacks what
the four main attachment styles, and we both share personal stories
as examples of our own.
We also compromise in real time about the matching tattoo we’re
going to get!
What Are Attachment Styles?
- John Bowlby, author of
Attachment and Loss, found the way you attach to your
parents/caregivers in childhood is the way you attach to your
romantic partners later in life.
- Essentially, your attachment style is built on what you learned
- Changing your attachment style is possible, but it takes hard
work and consistency.
- “Realizing what your attachment style is offers you
a lot of freedom. It gives you a way to remember that at your core
you are whole. You are love. You are divine. That idea that you
could be broken is false.”
- Don’t let your type become an excuse not to grow.
Breaking Down The 4 Attachment Styles
- Anxious (Insecure)
- When you were a baby through 14 years old, it was the way your
parents attuned to you. They weren’t always meeting your needs, so
you learned that love is unstable and untrustworthy.
- If you’re anxious, work through this exercise here.
- Avoidant (Insecure)
- The parent wasn’t getting their own needs met, so they didn’t
meet their kid’s needs. The kid shuts down to their needs so they
shut down their emotions to avoid rejection. They keep love at
arm’s length to avoid being engulfed by it.
- Ex: They’ll say they’re very independent because they learned
early on to shut down their needs. In relationships, they’ll have
walls up, fail to be vulnerable, and they may come on super strong
in the beginning and then as soon as it gets real, they pull
- Anxious/Avoidant (Insecure)
- A combination of Anxious and Avoidant.
- Parents were attuned to the child, so their needs were met and
there was a trust there. Then, in adulthood, they trust that people
mean what they say and that they will do right by them.
The Healing Journey
- “It is progress, not perfect. You have to look for
the progress because that is what will help you along this
- We talk about how sometimes you have to really run into the
fire to learn your lesson, instead of going through a bunch of
minor lessons that never really stick. Running into the fire could
be an important part of your healing process.
6 Practical Ways To Become Secure
- Read Attachedand
do more research on attachment theory.
- Take inventory of your last five relationships: what happened,
how you felt, what you feel you did, what you feel they did. Notice
any patterns and moments when your attachment style activated in
- Walk through this process with a coach (Amanda
takes one on one clients!)
- If you’re anxious, start speaking up, communicating your needs,
understanding your boundaries, and holding your boundaries.
- If you’re avoidant, get out there, get seen, be vulnerable with
friends or online.
- Support all of this work with the energetic work Amanda teaches
- Work with someone along the process—we were never meant to go
through life alone. We all need guidance.
- “If you have hit a wall, get someone to help you
climb over it or see that there’s no wall there, or climb
underneath it or walk over it. That help will get you so much
further, because you could stare at that wall for three
- A virtual ACA 12 Step rooms (Adult Children of Alcoholics) is a
great place to start if finances prevent you from investing in the
process. It is for anyone who experienced dysfunctional family
What happens when you get triggered into old
- Self Care
- Practice Calming Techniques i.e. EFT tapping, breathwork (link
to Jackie V. podcast), meditation (like to meditation blog post), +
anxiety relief exercises (link to blog post)
8 Resources to step into more Secure Attachment
- You can find Amanda on IG at @xoamandablairand
her blog AmandaBlair.org.
- To schedule a coaching session, go to tobemagnetic.comand
book her through the one on one menu page. She is not a Christian,
but I trust her to coach me because she honors that part of
- Listen to Amanda’s first episode of The Refined
- Listen to Lacy Phillips’s episode of The Refined
- Buy the book Attachedhere.
- Interested in learning more about EFT Tapping? Listen to Jackie
Viramontez’s episode of the podcast hereand
check out her Etched Daily resources here.
- For a Christian perspective on attachment, check
out How We Lovehere.
- Check out our resources for anxietyand meditation
Did you know we have a Patreon
page? Patreon is a platform that lets
listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little
as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head
over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to
see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome
goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is
by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into
the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407
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