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The Refined Collective Podcast

Mar 6, 2019


Coming at you with another solo episode recorded from my closet!

One of the number one questions I get is “How do I put myself out there when I want to be pursued?” And I totally get it. I am the type of person who wants to be pursued.

A few years ago, I was dating a guy that I really liked. He asked me out for a date one day and I had a photoshoot I couldn’t reschedule. After a few days, I hadn’t heard from him, so I spiraled. My inner thoughts were ‘I guess we’re done now.’

But then my friend helped me realize… he was always the one initiating every conversation and date. How was he supposed to know that I wanted to go on more dates with him if I don’t communicate with him? Men cannot read our minds, ladies!

It feels safe to be pursued. My guarded heart only wanted him to know I liked him if I 100% knew it was going to be reciprocated. I was terrified of getting hurt.

Here are some ways you can actively put yourself out there:


  1. Communicate your needs

One of my friends came home from an online date so put out about the restaurant her date took her to.  Here’s the thing though:  she didn’t tell him she didn’t want to go there.  He picked it out, ran it by her, and she said nothing.  She didn’t want to be too much.  And shouldn’t he know that’s a crappy restaurant—and if he doesn’t, clearly he has bad taste.  She punished him for not reading her mind.  That’s not fair.  Ladies, you have the permission to communicate your wants and needs.  Let’s reject the lie that we’re not enough and too much all at the same time.  It keeps us small and stuck.  If a guy is so easily spooked by you letting your desires be known, then he is no man for you.  Let’s also stop setting men up for failure by expecting them to be mind readers.  Communicating what you want is not pursuing.  It’s giving you the opportunity to be true to yourself, while also creating an opportunity to let your guy know where you stand.  He then has the option to lean into that or not.  By communicating your needs you’re creating vulnerability, honesty, and an invitation.  And that is way different that a demand. 


  1. Be curious

Who doesn’t like talking about themselves?  I know I do.  Allow yourself to be curious to get to know the person you’re interested in.  Asking questions and getting to know him is very low stakes.  Then the next time you see him you can ask, “Hey, how’s that thing going”.  It shows you’re listening, and you care about him.  He was on your mind.  It’s also incredibly easy to practice.  I used to be so scared of rejection that doing this felt like I might as well be walking up naked to a guy proposing.  It doesn’t have to be this way. At all.  Plus, who cares if he thinks you like him.  You do, don’t you? Even if the feelings aren’t reciprocated, like my bestie says, “No one has a bad day when they find out someone has a crush on them”.


  1. Create space

I talk to so many baffled single women.  After spending a few minutes chatting about their day-to-day lives; it’s no wonder they’re not dating.  Every night of the week is spent either at home watching The Bachelor (hey…I love the Bachelor), having a girls night, or going out with the girls.  Your man is not gonna magically appear on your doorstep friend.  You gotta get out there.  And do you know just how intimidating it is for a man to come up to a group of women out at a bar?  If you do go out with the girls, split up.  Or be each others cheerleaders as you take turns going and saying hello to somebody interesting.  We create space in our lives for the things we value.  Part of putting yourself out there is creating space for interactions with single men. 


Tell me, friend. Why aren’t you putting yourself out there? Are you hiding behind a fear of failure? Rejection? Getting out of your comfort zone? For more on how to put yourself out there, check out 5 Ways to Put Yourself Out There and Still Be Pursued. Head over to Instagram to share your answers—be sure to tag @therefinedwoman and @therefinedcollective. If you want to continue the conversation in a more private setting, join my Private TRW Single Ladies Community!


Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search ‘The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love!


Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to to check it out! With you on the journey.